Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
