The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
