I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
