we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
