Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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