Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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