Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
