There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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