watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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