Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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