I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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