i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
