3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
