I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
