Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
