i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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