its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
