Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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