I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
