Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
