i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
