Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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