dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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