you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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