She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
