If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
