mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
