The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
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