my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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