i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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