1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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