the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
