I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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