the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
