So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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