he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
