Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
our cab driver is having phone sex.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Drake has all the answers
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
