I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
