My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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