The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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