There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
