textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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