Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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