I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
