Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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