Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
