Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize