She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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