haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
