So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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