I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
