i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Are we still banned from the library?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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