Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
