I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
