matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
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