I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Randomize
