did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
