Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
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you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
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Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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