Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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